Medical One-Liner's

 -If the pilgrims came over on the Mayflower, what ship did the
  doctors come over on?
          The blood vessels.

 -Dr:  Is your cough better this morning?
  Patient:  It should be.  I've been practicing all night.

 -Nurse:  Hello.  I'm calling about the check you wrote.  It came back.
  Patient:  So did my arthritis.


 -Doctor:  Did you go to another doctor before you came to me?
  Patient:  Yes, why?
  Doctor:  What foolish advice did he give you?
  Patient:  He told me to come to you.

 -What kind of physician works on a cruise liner?
          A dry doc.

 -What do female doctors use men for?
          Male practice.

 -How is a hospital gown like insurance?
          You're never covered as much as you think you are.

 -Patient:  Doctor, you've got to help me.  I think I'm a kleptomaniac.
  Doctor:  Don't worry.  I think there's something you can take for that.

 -What do you do when a pharmaceutical salesman knocks on your door?
          Vitamin!

 -What did one tonsil say to the other?
          You better get dressed...the doctor is taking us out tonight.

 -What do you get if you have strep throat on Friday?
          Saturday night fever.

 -Sid:  The doctor told me to drink carrot juice after a hot bath.
  Sam:  Did it work?
  Sid:  I don't know.  I can never finish drinking the hot bath.

 -Doctor:  Now just step on the scales.  There you see?  Look at
           this chart.  You're overweight.
  Patient:  No, I'm not.  I'm just 6 inches too short.

 -I'm a doctor and I haven't lost a patient yet.  
  I know where all of them are buried.

 -Old doctors never die....they just lose their patients.

 -Definition of conflict of interest:  A get well card from your doctor.

 -Doctors bury their mistakes.

 -Did you hear about the two podiatrists who opened their offices
  on the same street?
          They were arch enemies.

 -Podiatrist:  Someone who knows the agony of de feet.

 -Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

 -People who constantly cough never go to the doctors.  They go to
  banquets, to concerts, to church....

 -A doctor giving a circumcision was heard saying, "It won't be long now."

 -One plastic surgeon to another:  My daughter gets her good looks from me.

 -Overheard in doctor's waiting room:  I used to watch golf on TV,
  but the doc said I needed more exercise....so now I watch tennis.

 -I'd feel better about what doctors do if they didn't call it practice.

 -An apple a day keeps the doctor away.
  An onion a day keeps everyone away.

 -What does it mean when a doctor tells you, "We caught this just in time?"
          It means that if you had waited any longer, it would
          have cleared up by itself.

 -Chiropractors don't get old....they adjust.

 -The strangest thing happened the other day.  I was listening to
  a boring talk by a podiatrist and my foot fell asleep.

 -As a doctor was examining his patient, he asked, "Any coughing,
  wheezing or shortness of cash?"

 -Pathologists know how to cut loose.

 -Doctor told me I was iron deficient....so I took up nail biting.

 -Did you hear about the plastic surgeon who sat next to a
  fireplace and melted?

 -My Mom got the Amish flu.  
  First she got a little horse...then she got a little buggy.

 -Medical Terminology:
          Caesarean section:  A district in Rome.
          Dilate:  To live long.
          Protein:  In favor of young people.
          Artery:  The study of fine paintings.
          Organic:  Musical.
          1991 definition of an umbilical cord:  Baby bungee.

 -When the hospital gives you one of those skimpy gowns you know
  the end is in sight.

 -Surgeons are doctors on the cutting edge.

 -Doctor:  The only man who enjoys poor health.